Top Ten: Things I Hate About China

After my last post I feel like I should enlighten you to the TOP TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT CHINA. Maybe this will be a new feature, Top 10 lists, or maybe like other “new features” I’ve brought up in the past it will fade into oblivion. Whatever. Today it is a new feature. Yay. So now on to the ten things I hate most about China.

10. Why are they the middle kingdom? Shouldn’t they be the right hand edge kingdom? I hate when people don’t know geography. Hey China, stick to math, you fail at geography.

9. Chinese people don’t sweat out of their armpits. My friend read this on the internet, so it must be true. I’m actually just jealous about this one.

8. There are over a billion of you. This is probably just my lame-ass emo-indie-wanna be hipster-part time electrician coming out here, but I don’t like things when they become too popular. That’s why I only listen to music released on CDR and watch movies on laser disc. Maybe if there weren’t so many of you, I’d be less harsh…like Japan.

7. Why are their heads so round? This one just kinda freaks me out. When I was growing up I knew a kid with an exceptionally long head, I pushed him off the slide. But round heads! Eck. And they all have bowl cuts. Don’t they have other haircuts in that country?

6. Their food makes me want to shit my brain out of my ears. I imagine being gang raped by a heard of rhinos would be less painful than eating a full serving General Tsao’s Ass-Rape Fried Chicken Surprise.

5. They’re backstabbers. Come on, you guys were getting raped left and right by the Nips and we came in and saved your little yellow ass, and what do you do to thank us. You shit all over us. Sure you gave us ping-pong and shoddily crafter shoes, thanks a lot “middle” kingdom.

4. Chinese people smell funny. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s all of the tiger penises they eat, but they come in a room and I’m ready to shit my brain out of my ears.

3. Their music sounds like it was made by deaf-retarded-pterodactyls. Listening to Chinese music is the only thing more painful to your ears than shitting out your brain.

2. Ching Chong Taso Dang Loang Tsaosung. What the fuck does this shit mean? Please use some real letters and speak like a human. If I wanted to listen to the shrieks of baby pterodactyls being eaten by an elephant seal I’d watch Jurassic Park IV.

1. You eat Tiger Penises. Yeah that’s right, the number 1 killer of Tigers in the world are Chinese people who want to eat their dicks. They also eat other things like rhino horns and Panda sperm. Look dumb fuck, eating a tiger dick ain’t gonna make yours any bigger, you’re Chinese… remember?