After my last post I feel like I should enlighten you to the TOP TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT CHINA. Maybe this will be a new feature, Top 10 lists, or maybe like other “new features” I’ve brought up in the past it will fade into oblivion. Whatever. Today it is a new feature. Yay. So now on to the ten things I hate most about China.
10. Why are they the middle kingdom? Shouldn’t they be the right hand edge kingdom? I hate when people don’t know geography. Hey China, stick to math, you fail at geography.
9. Chinese people don’t sweat out of their armpits. My friend read this on the internet, so it must be true. I’m actually just jealous about this one.
8. There are over a billion of you. This is probably just my lame-ass emo-indie-wanna be hipster-part time electrician coming out here, but I don’t like things when they become too popular. That’s why I only listen to music released on CDR and watch movies on laser disc. Maybe if there weren’t so many of you, I’d be less harsh…like Japan.
7. Why are their heads so round? This one just kinda freaks me out. When I was growing up I knew a kid with an exceptionally long head, I pushed him off the slide. But round heads! Eck. And they all have bowl cuts. Don’t they have other haircuts in that country?
6. Their food makes me want to shit my brain out of my ears. I imagine being gang raped by a heard of rhinos would be less painful than eating a full serving General Tsao’s Ass-Rape Fried Chicken Surprise.
5. They’re backstabbers. Come on, you guys were getting raped left and right by the Nips and we came in and saved your little yellow ass, and what do you do to thank us. You shit all over us. Sure you gave us ping-pong and shoddily crafter shoes, thanks a lot “middle” kingdom.
4. Chinese people smell funny. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s all of the tiger penises they eat, but they come in a room and I’m ready to shit my brain out of my ears.
3. Their music sounds like it was made by deaf-retarded-pterodactyls. Listening to Chinese music is the only thing more painful to your ears than shitting out your brain.
2. Ching Chong Taso Dang Loang Tsaosung. What the fuck does this shit mean? Please use some real letters and speak like a human. If I wanted to listen to the shrieks of baby pterodactyls being eaten by an elephant seal I’d watch Jurassic Park IV.
1. You eat Tiger Penises. Yeah that’s right, the number 1 killer of Tigers in the world are Chinese people who want to eat their dicks. They also eat other things like rhino horns and Panda sperm. Look dumb fuck, eating a tiger dick ain’t gonna make yours any bigger, you’re Chinese… remember?
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Torch
You know how some people can just be a dick? I mean a real asshole. Someone that annoys you, and annoys you, and annoys you NONSTOP. This is the kind of guy that goes out of his way to be a royal douche bag at all times. He does things not because he wants to do them, but because he knows doing them will just piss you off more. This guy also thinks he knows everything. That’s right, there is nothing in the world that you could possibly know that he doesn’t. And god forbid he’s wrong, because then he’ll just tell you that wherever you got the facts was actually wrong, and his made up reality is in fact the truth. Yeah this guy is an asshole, and I know you know him; you probably went to High School with a guy just like this. This guy makes you shake with rage with the mere mention of his massive douche-baggery. There is no reasoning with this guy, he doesn’t reason. He is a fucking DICK and his name is China.
I was in Paris last week on a trip with friends, but the highlight of my stay was protesting the Olympic Torch Relay. When I found out about the relay I made sure that my stay would overlap the protest. It was worth it. I don’t know much about protests, I’ve only been to one before this, but that was as researcher and not as a participant. This time I got to get in the trenches and lob some verbal grenades at those “gooks” the way my grandfather did in Korea. As an aside, he loves telling stories about all the “gooks” he killed.
I got there a little late, I had to switch hostels from one side of town to the other (I’ll talk about that another day), but I got there. When I showed up I came from underneath the Eiffel Tower where some protestors had just hung a surprisingly small banner. Maybe it looked bigger when they made it, but hanging from the Eiffel Tower it was tiny.
Fast Forward an hour or so, and the Olympic flame is nowhere in sight. The police have done a good job keeping the two sides separate from each other. On one side you have the Chinese, and I don’t just mean the pro-Dick, ermm, pro-China supporters, the China side was literally nothing but the Yellow Menace himself. The pro-Tibet (because at this point it wasn’t much more than a Free Tibet rally) side was multi-ethnic and multi-cultural and multi-lingual. Most of the chanting was done in Engrish, but there was Tibetan and Chinese shouted. The only French I heard was something about “Liberté Tibet”. This rally was like a free pass to be as racist as you want. I’m not saying I’m a racist, but I hate assholes, and China is an asshole, so I took advantage of this. I think Monday April 7th, 2008 will go down in history as the most racist day of my life.
Eventually my friend Wes (name not changed, because I don’t give a shit about his wellbeing) and I came upon a small commie red Chinese flag. Great lets burn this motherfucker. Well not so fast. It turns out burning a flag is really hard. Those Arabs on TV make it look so easy when they burn flags and effigies of President Bush or Danish Cartoonists, but it’s not. I don’t know if it is the fact they live in the desert or is maybe they rub it in camel shit first, all I know If they make it look easy. It isn’t. It took us a while to get that flag burning. But when we did we felt good. It was nice watching a flag burn for once than wasn’t American. In fact it was nice that it wasn’t America getting booed this time.
We had enough of the pro-Tibet side so we decided to go check out the people sitting in the street in an attempt to block the incoming flame. That was really boring, so we went to pretend we supported China. Yeah, because 3 white Americans are going to fit in with a sea of short black haired Chinese waving their retarded flag in support of their retarded country. Actually my main goal was to try to find another flag to burn, but none of the Chinese believed me when I said I supported them. They must’ve seen me switch sides. There were two other white people on the China side, they had snuck in behind the short sea in front of them and were waving a Tibetan flag over their heads. That’s one of the benefits of growing up in a first world nation, having the nutrition necessary to stand up and over the Yellow Menace. And boy were they a menace today. Some tall ass Yao Ming wannabe came and stole their flag and then he and a group of his cronies took it and ran down the street and started to stomp it. I stole it back from them and then taunted them, which was probably stupid, there were about 10 of them and I was alone. I got the flag back to its rightful owner and was turning around to go back to my, cowardly, friends when one of them assaulted me. Ok, it wasn’t that bad, they just threw water at me. But still, if I had seen which one of those little egg rolls had thrown water down my neck on a day where it had been snowing I would have been showing them a little Kung Pow chicken action.
When the flame did pass by us it was in the ‘safety’ of a bus. I guess they knew we meant business. An hour or so later I was walking down the Champs Élysées when a mob of people came running at me, it turns out I had happened upon the torch a second time. This time I got to see it pass by me, it wasn’t worth writing home about.
(these guys were all over the place, they looked like RoboCop, and some of them were on roller blades)
Overall it was a good day. I enjoyed all of it. I hope to do it again some day, and if the Torch comes to your town or city go tell China’s he’s a dick and you’re sick of his bullshit.
I was in Paris last week on a trip with friends, but the highlight of my stay was protesting the Olympic Torch Relay. When I found out about the relay I made sure that my stay would overlap the protest. It was worth it. I don’t know much about protests, I’ve only been to one before this, but that was as researcher and not as a participant. This time I got to get in the trenches and lob some verbal grenades at those “gooks” the way my grandfather did in Korea. As an aside, he loves telling stories about all the “gooks” he killed.
I got there a little late, I had to switch hostels from one side of town to the other (I’ll talk about that another day), but I got there. When I showed up I came from underneath the Eiffel Tower where some protestors had just hung a surprisingly small banner. Maybe it looked bigger when they made it, but hanging from the Eiffel Tower it was tiny.
Fast Forward an hour or so, and the Olympic flame is nowhere in sight. The police have done a good job keeping the two sides separate from each other. On one side you have the Chinese, and I don’t just mean the pro-Dick, ermm, pro-China supporters, the China side was literally nothing but the Yellow Menace himself. The pro-Tibet (because at this point it wasn’t much more than a Free Tibet rally) side was multi-ethnic and multi-cultural and multi-lingual. Most of the chanting was done in Engrish, but there was Tibetan and Chinese shouted. The only French I heard was something about “Liberté Tibet”. This rally was like a free pass to be as racist as you want. I’m not saying I’m a racist, but I hate assholes, and China is an asshole, so I took advantage of this. I think Monday April 7th, 2008 will go down in history as the most racist day of my life.
Eventually my friend Wes (name not changed, because I don’t give a shit about his wellbeing) and I came upon a small commie red Chinese flag. Great lets burn this motherfucker. Well not so fast. It turns out burning a flag is really hard. Those Arabs on TV make it look so easy when they burn flags and effigies of President Bush or Danish Cartoonists, but it’s not. I don’t know if it is the fact they live in the desert or is maybe they rub it in camel shit first, all I know If they make it look easy. It isn’t. It took us a while to get that flag burning. But when we did we felt good. It was nice watching a flag burn for once than wasn’t American. In fact it was nice that it wasn’t America getting booed this time.
We had enough of the pro-Tibet side so we decided to go check out the people sitting in the street in an attempt to block the incoming flame. That was really boring, so we went to pretend we supported China. Yeah, because 3 white Americans are going to fit in with a sea of short black haired Chinese waving their retarded flag in support of their retarded country. Actually my main goal was to try to find another flag to burn, but none of the Chinese believed me when I said I supported them. They must’ve seen me switch sides. There were two other white people on the China side, they had snuck in behind the short sea in front of them and were waving a Tibetan flag over their heads. That’s one of the benefits of growing up in a first world nation, having the nutrition necessary to stand up and over the Yellow Menace. And boy were they a menace today. Some tall ass Yao Ming wannabe came and stole their flag and then he and a group of his cronies took it and ran down the street and started to stomp it. I stole it back from them and then taunted them, which was probably stupid, there were about 10 of them and I was alone. I got the flag back to its rightful owner and was turning around to go back to my, cowardly, friends when one of them assaulted me. Ok, it wasn’t that bad, they just threw water at me. But still, if I had seen which one of those little egg rolls had thrown water down my neck on a day where it had been snowing I would have been showing them a little Kung Pow chicken action.
When the flame did pass by us it was in the ‘safety’ of a bus. I guess they knew we meant business. An hour or so later I was walking down the Champs Élysées when a mob of people came running at me, it turns out I had happened upon the torch a second time. This time I got to see it pass by me, it wasn’t worth writing home about.
(these guys were all over the place, they looked like RoboCop, and some of them were on roller blades)Overall it was a good day. I enjoyed all of it. I hope to do it again some day, and if the Torch comes to your town or city go tell China’s he’s a dick and you’re sick of his bullshit.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Another Picture
This is Imperia, she is a statue of a whore holding the king in one hand and the pope in the other. It's a rather prominent symbol here in Konstanz. You see Konstanz was the site of something important papal dealings back in the day (1400s or something), so this statues says something about the power prostitutes (and women in general) had over both the church and crown.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
A Picture
I'm not sure why I felt like sharing this today, but here is a picture of my University. This was taken from the roof of my dormitory. The picture is from September, which is why there are leaves on the trees. Maybe I'll post more random photos in the future, maybe.
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